Sunday, June 16, 2013

"Our Father. "

It's Fathers day. I started writing this post about a week ago, but something said "wait, there is more to it than you're ready to write" and I got distracted.

I recently listened to an in depth study from a very godly man who was teaching on praying in the spirit of God.  He was talking about the Lords prayer and when he spoke something resonated with me, loudly.
We know the model in which he taught us to pray:

Matthew 6: 9 “Pray, then, in this way:

‘Our Father who is in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
‘Your kingdom come.
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
‘Give us this day our daily bread.
 ‘And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
 ‘And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.’

Our Father. Ours.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time alone, locked inside my head. Pouring over books and thoughts and concepts, because in my young life, I felt like there wasn't anyone I could really talk to. I felt a great sense of isolation after I saw my dad die.  That isolation and sadness carried on with me for a great many years.
Growing up, I had a revolving door of people coming in and out of my life, as my various family members sailed from one trauma to another.

Growing up, I had a really strong sense of self reliance. In my head, it was me vs the world that wanted to destroy me.  As I grew, God and I found each other.... or I found Him, I don't think he ever really let me out of His sight.  Then, in my mind, it was just me, and God. God and I walking around among other believers. God and I walking around among the world. There were these walls that I had built up in my heart and mind to keep from trusting people, to keep from getting hurt by people.

This one man Army mindset was even in my prayer life. When there was a need, or  I felt lead to pray...
It was always like I was asking my God for things for other people. It was still me, and my God, even if their God was also my God.

I was still holding walls. My Father, was Their Father.... but he wasn't Our father.
and it has occurred to me, the divisional aspect of such a simple thing.... it isn't a good thing.

Our Father...

Even in praying for others...  for individual needs, I know that they are not the only ones in the body of the Messiah that are hurting or in need of the same thing.

So and so is feeling alone, and he's hurting and feels like God isn't answering his prayers, or if he is, he can't hear the answers...   and so I'd pray, God please help so and so. Meet the needs specifically of so and so.
I know that this is a good thing, I know that this is a needed thing......

...but the bigger picture here...

The Our Father picture....

God, I pray for all your people who are fighting this. God I pray that you meet the needs of all who are part of your body that are struggling in this area...

 Give US this day, OUR daily bread, forgive US OUR debts as WE forgive OUR debtors....

Taking a step back.... I can see a little clearer.
If I, and probably others... if We can adapt the mindset that when one falls, we all fall, when we stand, we stand as one.  Perhaps, when we think as the collective "One body" and we move as "one body"... we will repent as "one body". We can walk righteously as "One body"

The royal "we"
I'm seeing this too.

A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
God makes a home for the lonely;
He leads out the prisoners into prosperity,
Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land. Psalm 68:5-6

Monday, June 3, 2013


God there is still much to be destroyed in my heart.

I believe that is something that you have been trying to show me for the past year, holding me in places of humility where men of pride speak over me.

In each of the places I have lived you have shown me a different type of pride in each of three men.
I prayed to you about how terrible it was for me,  and how ugly I saw it to be in each of them.

Like a tailor holding a mirror for the one he dresses, you have panned the angles around me and shown me the various ways that each reflection is me... and how I present myself in differing lights.

God, I have seen in my heart, again, and again and again, these areas of pride, and again and again and again I tell you about them before I say there is something I need to do about them.

I'm trying.
I fail, but I am trying.

And God, I need you to be stronger than where I start, fail and finish.
God I don't want to be an asshole.

I know that you're not an asshole, and I am supposed to be a reflection of your character.

I don't want to just feel bad about sin, God I want to be free from it.

I'm a believer, help me believe.
Help my unbelief.
I know that in every moment that I am more me, than I am like you that my actions are crying out that God isn't really on the throne

and I want nothing to do with such a decree.

I've prayed "God make my spirit stronger"  and I have prayed "God strengthen my resolve"

Tonight I am praying "God, keep me from getting in the way of You living in me, YOU speaking in me, You working in me , You keeping me from dying and running and falling and failing... because You are my Savior. YOU are so much more than I can or could be.

You have got to be bigger than I keep keeping you from being

And I am sorry God, I am sorry.

and I want to believe that I can change, and that I will change....
I do believe that you can change me....
 but there is this doubt God.

There is this doubt in my mind that says "do not tell him that you repent because if you slip again it is as if that repentance never transpired  ... and I don't want to lie to you God.
I hate dishonesty.

 Your ways are not my ways...

But I want it your way.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

To all the friends I've lost.

I'm sorry.  

I'm sorry that we aren't still friends.  I'm sorry that you felt that there were things in my life or yours that we couldn't work through. 
I regret that at times, my depression was heavy. 
I know I leaned on some of you more than I should have. My burden wasn't for you to carry. 

I look back over our friendships.... my old friends, my former friends. I grieve over much of what was lost. 
Friends I've called brother.  

Brothers I've stood before God with in praise, and served with. 
I'm sorry for all the times that I wasn't a better reflection of his character. I'm sorry for the moments when my pride won out over my spirit and I spoke to you in anger of flesh. 

I know that I hurt some of you. 
I pray that you forgive me for that. 

I'm not going to make excuses for not being better or stronger, or anything like that. 
I'm not going to justify what happened. 

I miss you old friends.

There were times, in our friendships, each one of them that I sacrificed for you, and you sacrificed for me.  There were times when we fought and yelled, and screamed, and it was ugly... 
...and then we healed and were stronger in the fresh air of honesty.

That is what I thought.  
Perhaps, I had just pushed you a little further to the edge each time. 

Forgive me, if you are able for my times of vanity. Forgive me for my times of pride. 
Forgive me if you are able, and May God watch over your travels.