I've tried to write this months post at least three times and I have always been caught short looking for the words or the substantial theme. Yom Kippur kept coming back to me, and I reflected on the elements of the days of awe (the original airing of grievances for all you festivus people out there) and what that entails. I went through a set of checking my actions and my heart for things over the past year and areas that I needed to repent for. I keep coming back to one word.
Judgments.
There were areas that I delivered a right judgment but I didn't do it the right way, and I had to go back and apologize to the person that was involved. The matter was in regards to addressing aspects of behavior that warranted removal from a group due to persistently antagonistic and divisive nature. It was the right call. The part that I erred in was where I removed them without being precise about it in a message AS it happened. It was weird reaching out to them for the way, and not the why. They predictably rejected my apology and seethed with indignation and called me a name or two but the effort was made. In judgment, I went to them for ownership of my part.
On Yom Kippur as night had just fallen and I was on my way home I got caught at a light where there were two junkies holding signs. I usually refer to them as domestically challenged people, but these were junkies. They've been holding signs that say anything helps and I've handed out deodorant to domestically challenged people before.. and they just looked confused. I seldom carry cash, and if I have cash I might have given them a dollar or two. This night, at the light, I watched these two on the corner. I reached into the passenger side of my truck and pulled out two cans of coke zero, rolled down my window and I called one over. I'm sensitive to the homeless as the verse states
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’- Matt 25
My intuition was that these people didn't need my help but they were exploiting the generosity of those who would give, but I suppressed the notion. The man came over and said "Oh, thanks." as he took the cans of soda "What we could really use is money to get some drugs though..." his eyes widened as if he himself was surprised at what he just said "...or maybe like, food or a place to sleep or something, Heh". I'm pretty sure the expression on my face was one of, "Its too late man, I heard you the first time and you need to back away from my car...now". My judgment was correct, but I felt it prudent to be safe rather than sorry. I was out like a buck in soda and I fulfilled the command to give. They turned out to be junkies, but the next one might not.
Judgments
A while ago in the Torah Singles group that we have on Facebook there was an individual that was new to the group. He'd lurked for a little bit and started commenting "Hello beautiful" on threads of some women. Now here's a thing that many men don't know, Most women do not see that as a compliment, they see it as creepy. Many women judge and dismiss men that don't know any better because they weren't taught any better ( some good, some bad). Now there was one guy that judged this person harshly, demanding that he be removed from the group because he'd "made women feel uncomfortable" by commented "hello beautiful". The judgment seemed kinda rash seeing as how I don't think anyone ever died from someone nonchalantly calling them beautiful, and based on how each of these women were a grown adults capable of speaking up about what did or did not offend them. Banning a guy for bad social cues in my opinion wouldn't let him observe, and learn to correct with time. After a while, it was determined that this individual, well, was a little lagging in the processing power. This didn't stop the one guy for making a loud public stance and essentially "White Knighting" for everyone to see how noble and chivalrous he was protecting these women from the beast that was utter the foul words "Hello" and "Beautiful". The White Knight, when called out on his over reaction, doubled down with the butthurt and went missing in action. As I weight the totality of the scenario, I was reminded of the verse that says
"Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment." - John 7
After we sought out what happened to the guy that went missing, he went on a long rant about how we suck in keeping the peace because new members were going to show up and see a guy commenting "Hello Beautiful" and how that... what did he say..
They’re seeing the absolute worst side of the group literally within their first interaction of the group and no one is doing a damned thing about it. I think that’s honestly some kind of record; I mean seriously, call Guinness World Records. - Butthurt guy in over reactive dramatization
Where as it looked like the ...cognitively impaired dude was being a creeper, he just wasn't understanding what he was doing. Where it looked like the dude initially was trying to protect the group, he actually turned out to have a little bit of a savior complex needing to rescue damsels from being called beautiful because people would obviously run for the door if we didn't jump in and flex authoritarian control over the communications of consenting adults. Its kinda laughable.
Judgments.
Last year there was a split from a group/ group of friends that I had come to love. Trust is a hard thing for me, vulnerability is even harder. Over time with these friends in this group they came to feel like family. I spent a lot of time encouraging many of them and at times a few of them encouraged me in a hard time. I even helped pair a few of them up with their significant others. When it came time to make changes in the group, I voiced my disagreement with the choice. Instead of validating the fact that I disagreed, and being out voted (which I would have been more than fine with) there was one who sought out people that had left the group and cited me as the reason that they had left. Now, in the group rules it clearly stated that they were to go by the Matt 18 protocol for disagreements and go one on one to the person that they had issue with, being me in this situation. They didn't. They left, and when I disagreed with the proposed changes to the group my close friends sought out those people that never had the decency or the courage to discuss things with me, and they gossiped about my character and demeanor. Their justification for listening to gossip and seeking it out, was the baseless assumption that if they had hypothetically brought up their grievances to me, that I wouldn't have listened to them. Then they had their Julius Caesar moment where they brought only half of the people in charge of the group together ( and a few people that weren't in the group or part of things) and it ended with my departure from the group. The story and the details as to the how and why they did what they did kept changing and they still keep putting forward a false or selective narrative. It still hurts me sometimes. I was thinking about how even after I explained how they sinned against me, they were unrepentant. When I explained how badly they hurt and betrayed my friendship and my trust, they had no remorse. We just came through Yom Kippur and there was no out reach, no repentance. I think about that and how there isn't anything that I can say or do to change their hearts. There isn't anything that I can say or do that will help them understand, its something that God has to do. I have to trust Him and clean my side of the street. He is the one with Righteous
Judgments.
.... but it doesn't stop me from making jokes to remind them I'm still around though.
