Monday, June 3, 2013


God there is still much to be destroyed in my heart.

I believe that is something that you have been trying to show me for the past year, holding me in places of humility where men of pride speak over me.

In each of the places I have lived you have shown me a different type of pride in each of three men.
I prayed to you about how terrible it was for me,  and how ugly I saw it to be in each of them.

Like a tailor holding a mirror for the one he dresses, you have panned the angles around me and shown me the various ways that each reflection is me... and how I present myself in differing lights.

God, I have seen in my heart, again, and again and again, these areas of pride, and again and again and again I tell you about them before I say there is something I need to do about them.

I'm trying.
I fail, but I am trying.

And God, I need you to be stronger than where I start, fail and finish.
God I don't want to be an asshole.

I know that you're not an asshole, and I am supposed to be a reflection of your character.

I don't want to just feel bad about sin, God I want to be free from it.

I'm a believer, help me believe.
Help my unbelief.
I know that in every moment that I am more me, than I am like you that my actions are crying out that God isn't really on the throne

and I want nothing to do with such a decree.

I've prayed "God make my spirit stronger"  and I have prayed "God strengthen my resolve"

Tonight I am praying "God, keep me from getting in the way of You living in me, YOU speaking in me, You working in me , You keeping me from dying and running and falling and failing... because You are my Savior. YOU are so much more than I can or could be.

You have got to be bigger than I keep keeping you from being

And I am sorry God, I am sorry.

and I want to believe that I can change, and that I will change....
I do believe that you can change me....
 but there is this doubt God.

There is this doubt in my mind that says "do not tell him that you repent because if you slip again it is as if that repentance never transpired  ... and I don't want to lie to you God.
I hate dishonesty.

 Your ways are not my ways...

But I want it your way.

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