Saturday, March 31, 2012

Vagabond.

This started out as a post where I was writing what I see when I look in the mirror.
That is a view that changes from day to day.

I find in it interesting the systems that I see in humanity.

How we need definition.
He need praise, and support. It is vital that we have encouragement and love to succeed.
Many of our achievements are based from the pursuit of these thing, or achieved because of them.

Ideally the believer looks to God for their identity, support, encouragement and love.

Many do a good job of holding to that position.

Others... have troubles.

They start looking at God, for who they are, and then they begin to ask questions like " how am I doing" to other God followers. I have had mixed reviews of the results of that one.

I'm not perfect. I know that may surprise a lot of you, mostly those on facebook whom I almost daily leave a gift of sarcastic quips.

Now  I could sit here and tell you ab out the man I used to be. I used to be so strong, and I used to be so very smart. I used to be fearless and dedicated. I would never give up, and I could tell you the stories about how I was....

...and how I  am not.

In my walk with God I have made a few mistakes here and there. I have said the occasional thing that I didn't mean and there was never anything that couldn't be repaired.

Until there was. There was one sin. One moment of weakness that showed me how strong I thought I was, I wasn't. A sin of definition in the eyes of many.

Suddenly I didn't see myself walking so right with my God. My identity within him seemed to tailspin. This was accentuated by the hands of many in the church I thought as righteous men... Godly men, men I looked to as role models... recoiling their hands.

I tripped up, slipped out, fell down.... and in the darkness, I was alone.

You want to be defined by God alone, but at the same time the enemy can twist the scriptures. Thats how he tempted jesus you know. He used to truth improperly.

As I sat there in the dark...
People chastised me for not being the man that I used to be.

"Where is the fighter that never gives up" they said.
and I told them that he was broken. That he was left for dead. 

As I wrestled back and forth with definition in the dark I was hearing the words of priests asking me if I was a wolf, while their eyes said I was a curse.


I turned to the church so I wouldn't be the monster that I assumed all men become without God.
The hopeless few. Those with hardened hearts, lacking love or compassion.  When the church forged a weapon from it, and killed my with my own mistake...

I bled. I bled for a really long time. 

I bled alone in the darkness, and the darkness became great.




It almost killed me. 



It stripped me down to nothing. As I was alone in the darkness wrestling with the the cost of continuing life, and the pain I would leave others in death it occurred to me that God was innocent.  God wasn't the one that hurt me. Man did. I did. The church helped a great deal.

I've spent the last several months putting pieces back together, and stitching wounds.
I've been focusing on God for identity.

Its funny in a sick way, how when you are looking forward to God, and Just trying to walk with him, you can see SO MANY PEOPLE in the peripheral vision. A lot of them trying to get your attention to tell you how they think their advice would greater benefit your life. 

Trying to stand isn't easy when you do it alone.

Trying to stand is even harder when people are kicking your shins.




We all need love. Most when we fail. 

You'd think as people we would understand. I don't think we love like God. We've got a million reasons why we don't love the ones that need it. And as one that needs it, it breaks my heart.


I'm still working on being put back together. I am not weak, but I am not strong either.
My heart is to do something of meaning. Something that matters.

I am trying to get order. First internally and then externally. I've been living off of the grace of God and that kindness of a friend from highschool for the past several months. 


There is a song that I have been listening to over and over every chance I get. There is a part in it that speaks to me, loudly.



"And in one little moment, it all implodes.This isn't everything you are.  Breathe deeply in the silence, no sudden moves. This isn't everything you are. There is joy not far from here, I know there is. This isn't everything you are. "
"Don't keel over now, Don't keel over. Don't keel over now"

I started this post out about what I see when I look in the mirror.
I thank God that I don't see loved ones, telling me that because I am not doing things their way that I am worth less. I don't see a vagabond, though they aren't shy in telling me I am as such. my heart breaks as  the sounds hit my ears, because they don't understand and I can't tell them. 

When I look in the mirror I see a man that is clinging to life and God as best he can.

and I see brokenness.


This isn't everything that I am.
This ISN'T everything that I am.
I am so much more.

This isn't everything you are. 

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