The Hebrew Heart

I don't remember why exactly, but I think it was dealing with the thought of another year as a single messianic person that prompted me to look for and join and Messianic singles group on facebook. It's hard being a single person of faith, looking for compatibility in someone that says that they believe the same things that you do, but how much of that do they actually walk out? I mean, for me in the Christian church I have a hard enough time just making friends with other believers when I tell them why I believe what I believe from the SAME BOOK WE BOTH HOLD TO. I joined a facebook group looking mostly for other people that know the struggle of being Messianic and scattered around and the problems that we face. What I found for a while there were friends.

I thought that I had a good repertoire with other members, so far that I and a few other people were very active. We would laugh and play off of each others jokes and there are some relationships that I hold now as being like family to me. I helped several people find people that they married from that group. I respected one of the admins that would instigate challenges to people that were weirdos in order to "weed 'em out" as we called it. She's challenge them knowing that they'd react in a certain way, get huffed up and leave. I should in hindsight have seen that coming. It wasn't until I was in the group for some time that I learned that the founding member was a self professed dream interpreter running a "ministry" where he was asking people for money to tell them "what God was saying" in their dreams. I sat on that a little while because I didn't know if he was telling the truth or not. He wasn't. After a few of his "interpretations"  I told him outright that what he was telling me on my dreams weren't correct. I was just one witness though, what could I do with that. I was at a point where I was coming out of a structure where I had experienced severe narcissism and spiritual abuse from my former church environment and  I was working on healing up from that. I turned to a lot of these people for strength and support, after all they called themselves a ministry at the time.

I'm writing this out for a reason, I'm holding hurt and bitterness in my heart against them. I see them as scam artists and I see people that defend their behavior. Don't get me wrong, I don't deny that when someone posted something in one of the groups that was unbiblical, I'd come barking at it like a junkyard dog... people did not like the site of that, made them really uncomfortable. I don't deny that I have my own set of shortcomings. One thing I always try to do in contrast however, is I try to always take responsibility for my stuff. Some of these folks were well intentioned but mislead, but others seemed more predatory in the sense that they wanted to figure out a way to get money out of the people. You wouldn't stay in a church where a pastor got up and started telling you the message that he got from consulting a medium. You'd rebuke him and leave. Yet here was this group with a false prophet for a founder and woman that would tell me that my unbelieving sister that rejected the Messiah and ignored torah and that was hostile to God her whole life... was saved because she was just deceived by some spirits. I've got mixed emotions here because they were my friends in a hard time, but they were trying to feed me stuff that was staunchly unbiblical. I rejected it.


The group eventually made me an admin knowing that I'm a fighter and a warrior and everything that I have always been. In fact, when there was a dispute between this group and one of their old mens group cohorts, They advised me to make my own mens group and that group would take the place of the other one. They know I'm a Benjamite warrior, because they endorsed it when it was advantageous to their cause. They made me an admin and the group rules expressly stated that if ANYONE has and ISSUE WITH SOMEONE ELSE they were to FIRST go to THAT PERSON. They claimed that a bunch of people left the group, and that they went to them and found that they all said they left the group because of me. NONE of those people had come to me in accordance with group rules. Yet, here was was in a time where I was emotional and dealing with family stuff, getting kicked out of this group that had felt like a family to me , who went looking for people that would not confront me to my face and they listened to their gossips. Thats what it is when someone is too much of a coward to say something to your face. Its cowardice. The only thing that I hate more than cowardice is lies. They lied too. They decided that since I had disagreed with the main "leadership" woman about radically feminizing the group and barring certain people from 18-21 from the group then I was too warrior like and I had to be removed as admin. In the huff false prophet guy suggested that I make my own group, not realizing that I probably would, even though it took a little convincing from a friend of mine. Thats when they started saying that they kicked me out of the group for rebellion and telling people that I was creating division. I hadn't at that point, but as my bitterness grew for people that I had cared so much about that stabbed me in the heart in a really low point in my life... I started messing with them. I'm not going to lie, as the new group increased in numbers we did some pranks like posting the link to the new group in their old group, and that was funny... but it wasn't right. I take responsability for that. It wasn't like I hated them either, because when coward lady from the old group was allegedly living with a guy she was about to rush into marriage with and then called it off like, the day before the wedding... I reached out to her. not in some smarmy way, not in some ha ha at your misfortion way, not to kick her while she was down but to throw what little spark of light and hope I could in her dark time. Thats where we differed. In my dark time she kicked me, in her dark time I tried to offer some hope. She went after me in secret, and every time I went after her it was public. When her mom died I reach out to her again to offer my sympathies. I cared about that cowardly lady. I wish she wasn't a coward. The entire time she was hurting me I kept thinking that I know she's stronger than the cowardly stuff she was doing that was hurting me. I don't know. Maybe I'm like one of those people that'll get stabbed and think that the person isn't really going to stab me while they keep stabbing me... what are they called? Idiots?

I need to forgive them for the betrayal. It came up recently that one of the people I know is such great friends with them and ignores all of that stuff about them. IT made me extra suspicious. especially when things in that persons story weren't' adding up. Telling me things that I know aren't the case. Saying that she really likes things that are dark and twisty and then cowering when direct questions are asked about why her story is contradictory? I shouldn't have junkyarded, but it smelled like them. It smelled like their finger prints, and it smelled like my blood. I didn't even mention the little neckbeared hitjob they sent after me once the group split. Little Irish false prophet guy who's dad is on the run who kept prophesying that his dad was going to turn himself in by the end of the weekend, who's dad did not turn himself in by the end of the weekend... spoke presumptuously in the name of God.  I didn't menitoned the other guy that I haven't done anything to who still wont tell me why he has a problem with me, because he cant...because if he does it will prove that h'es been listen' to the back room trash talk from neckbeard.  They're all those "everything is a demon" types. Like the Messianic benny hinns without the style. Maybe that was harsh I don't know.

I've got to find a balance though. There are too many wolves in sheeps clothing looking to devour people. I know its ironic me saying that because Benjamin is a ravenous wolf. I devour those that I go to war against. I don't want to war against my brothers and sisters, IF that is what these people are... though I am inclined to think not on mot of them.  I know I'm flawed deep. I can be an asshole in how I do the right things the wrong ways. I look like the bad guy protecting people from dangers they don't even see. Smooth words and casual tongues don't look all that threatening but aren't they how the devils work is done?  I know what it feels like to be manipulated. I've learned how to avoid a lot of it over the years. not all are so trained.  Hebrew hearts are full of wickedness, who can understand them?  I know I'm not the good guy but I'm not so sure I'm the bad one either.